Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Venereal Disease

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you. I feel obligated to post something related to this abhorrent holiday. So, what should I say about the day that causes me the second most stress (after Christmas)? 

Blagh (apparently existing words can not fully express my feelings). 

If you're single, you're made to feel bad for being single. If you're partnered you're made to feel like you have to do something special or romantic. And this is one day when LGBT people have heterosexuality "thrown in our faces" because all this lovey-dovey pink-and-red-together absurd merchandising is all about heterosexuality. A man can't find a card for his husband. Especially if that man doesn't particularly want to express himself with parmesan crusted cheddar-saccharine ball sentiments. 

And let me just say this: PINK AND RED DO NOT GO TOGETHER - NEVER EVER, EVER. It looks stupid. It looks like suddenly everyone in the world gets to be a myopic septuagenerian woman for a day. 

Oh, and one more thing. If you have to express your romantic sentiments, please do so without the blasphemy of rhyme. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, stop with the terrible rhyme. Jesus feels the nail-holes again every time you put love with dove, above, glove, or shove. And there's a special circle of Hell for you lobotomites who eschew the aforementioned rhymes for some "slant rhyme" bastardization. Just don't. Please. I'm begging you. 

Excuse me, this creepy bitter old misanthrope has to go place a bomb at the corporate headquarters of a major greeting-card manufacturer now. 

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