At least one of my siblings refers to my youngest nephew with the (not always justified) moniker The Prince. He's 5, and he is my parents' youngest grandchild and his other grandparents' first grandchild, and is thereby somewhat spoiled. He also has the misfortune of living within walking distance of my parents' house and so has ample opportunity to pursue said spoiling. My sister works obscene hours as a nurse (bless her) and tries to work against the damaging effects of the grandparents and other influences. But her husband is a giant child himself and actually manages to make things worse by pestering the child instead of parenting him. No one, not her husband, not either of their parents, nor anyone else in the family supports her in her efforts at discipline.
An example: Our first night at my parents' house my nephew and his father came over for dinner. We had roast, potatoes, and fresh vegetables from my dad's garden. Additionally my mother fixed miniature pizzas especially for the nephew. (When we cook for my kids we try to include foods they will eat, but we don't cook separate dinners just for them. And if they don't like what is prepared they are welcome to politely choose to not eat.) When he saw the pizzas he threw a walleyed fit, screaming they were the wrong ones and demanding that she make something else for him. When he was told nothing else was available, the fit became a violent tantrum with screaming, threats of violence, and raiding the pantry for cans of Spaghetti-O's, which he demanded that my mother prepare for him.
The fit continued through dinner. And needless to say he didn't join us, nor did anyone do anything to stop him. After dinner while the family retired to the living room to watch television, he raided the bucket of snacks my mother keeps in her kitchen. Another fit followed because he couldn't find the particular "gummies" he wanted. He screamed for someone find them for him until his father did so.
Throughout all of this I stayed quiet. His father was present, so I figured it wasn't my job. However, no one else seemed willing to do anything about it.
Another: My father has planter boxes on either side of his front steps. This year he has marigolds in them. The flowers are dying because the nephew urinates on them daily. No one seems to be willing to do anything about that either.
Yet another: The last time we visited my son spent the night at their house. The nephew jumped on him, threw toys at him, and hounded him late into the night. My brother-in-law did nothing to stop it. My son came away saying he never wanted to visit again. This time my son did spend the night again and came away with the impression the behavior situation is getting better (although he did get smacked with a marble slide, whatever that is).
On another day the nephew was throwing another fit because he wanted his game from his house and no one would unlock the door for him. My mother was on the phone and couldn't hear the person she was talking to. I went outside for a cigarette. This time his mother was present. She took him outside for a time-out until he calmed down. His response? He refused to sit on the bench where she put him, screamed, threatened violence, and attached himself to her leg so she couldn't leave him. He bellowed that he didn't want to be alone and she always stayed with him through his time-outs.
I know it wasn't really my place, but I stepped in. I told him that I was outside, so he wouldn't be alone. I told him to let go of his mother and do what she told him. When he started to argue with me, I refused to engage. I placed myself between him and his mother. I waited a few yards away while he calmed down.
When the screaming subsided, I spoke to him. I tried to keep my voice calm since he was still visibly upset. I validated his feelings (something I've never heard any of the adults in his life do). And I asked him to think about other people's feelings, especially when he yells and screams at them. The idea that other people might have feelings was completely foreign to him. I know a few adults who aren't that great at perspective-taking, but a five-year-old ought to be able to at least acknowledge that other people have an internal life even if he hasn't mastered empathy yet. We talked about how it was easier to comply with people's wishes when they asked you in a nice way. And I modeled how he could ask someone for help in retrieving his game.
He said, "Uncle, will you go with me to my house and help me unlock the door so I can get my game?" Well, I couldn't very well say no then, could I? Much to my surprise, he went inside and used the modeling I had given him to politely ask his mother to borrow the house key and to ask my son to accompany him to find the game.
I'm not the best parent in the world by any stretch of the imagination. I make gross errors all the time. I tend to fall on the permissive side of the permissive-authoritarian scale of parents. And I'm not always a great master of my own emotions. But I think my "little prince" of a nephew might not be such a holy terror if the adults in his life were just a little more consistent, responsive, and better role models for his behavior. I know I didn't "fix" him in a few minutes. His parents (and grandparents) have more work to do to be positive influences in his life. But, he didn't throw a fit in my presence for the rest of our visit, and I'd like to think I had something to do with that.
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