My Dramily - Part IV - The After-Blowup Blowup

One of the themes I like to explore in my writing is how violence begets violence.  So here's a little bit of family drama that came from someone being upset about drama. After my nephew blew up at my mother for referring to the similarity between his and his father's behavior, she was really unhappy. She couldn't stop rehashing it over and over. And honestly not too many of my family members are exactly very good at letting things go. 

The siblings gathered in the kitchen to finalize the financial end of the 50th anniversary celebration. My mother was present. And my dad came into the kitchen to tell us about his experience at the party. 

He thoroughly enjoyed it. I've never seen him talk to so many people (I do get my antisocial behavior naturally). There was one small incident that bothered him. He had been sitting at a table eating and socializing and decided to get some more food. When he returned to his seat, the husband of one of my mother's best friends had taken it. No big deal, right? So Daddy stood up and began talking to someone by the screen where we were showing a slide show of family photos. Then the same man who had (rather rudely) taken his seat (rather rudely) asked Daddy to move as he was standing in front of the screen. 

Daddy wouldn't have minded moving, of course. And he did move. But he wanted to share with us the impolite way the guy had asked him. It was the only thing about the whole party my (often cantankerous) dad had any problem with. 

However, this just happened to be the wrong moment to share the story. As Mama was still fuming about her grandson's recent blow up. She stood up and shouted at my father, "Don't tell that story again!" She (rather like my nephew) stormed out of the room yelling at my dad. 

Mama was tired. It had been a long weekend. And I'm sure she was not only upset because of what had happened with my nephew, but also emotionally fragile given that many of her children and grandchildren were about to head to their own homes that day. Unlike my father and me, she adores the company of others. But anger is cyclical and self-feeding. Sometimes when the family has been together for a while we start quarreling. It was a perfect time to wrap things up and let everyone go back to their corners to nurse their wounds. 

My Dramily - Part III - The Father's Day Blowup

My siblings and I, as well as our children haven't always made the best choices when it comes to partners. Despite the fact that my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last week, we haven't been able to follow their example of longevity when it comes to marriage. Sister no. 1 is still married to her first husband (an abusive alcoholic) and claims she may make it to 50 years so long as they remain living in two different states. Sister no. 2 is on her second marriage, the first having been about 13 different kinds of asshole (more about that in a minute). Brother no. 3 is also on his second marriage. His first was an adulterous control freak with a Napoleon complex (their third child is named for her lover at the time and current husband). His second is taller, amazingly enough more controlling, and I hope I never have to hear about her sex life. Brother no. 4 died in infancy. Brother no. 5 is me; my first marriage didn't last because of irreconcilable similarities (we both like men). Sister no. 6 is on her first marriage. You can read about her here. Of the 5 nieces and nephews who have married, 3 are divorced. 

Now about no. 2's first husband. For starters we was controlling. I can't tell you how many jobs he forced her to quit because he didn't like the lack of control he had over her life. When their three children played outside at my parents' house he would freak out, allegedly because they might get hurt. And abusive. She used to say things like, "I don't like red roses because [asshole] bought me a dozen roses the first time he hit me." The first time? Sheesh. Despite keeping her from working, he seemed unable to hold down a job himself. He often claimed he quit because of personal differences with his bosses. They tended to be under the impression they fired him because of stealing. There were other shady happenings, mysterious packages delivered to the house and the like. They never had money in the way gambling addicts and junkies never have money, but my sister seemed unaware of exactly why. They frequently moved from house to house through an endless series of evictions, foreclosures, and bankruptcies. When my sister finally got rid of him, he left her in horrible, horrible debt, since by that point everything had to be in her name. I have no idea what other indignities the family had to suffer under that monster. He did however have a lovely singing voice. 

Suffice it to say no. 2's middle child doesn't like being compared to his father. At my parents' 50th celebration a well-meaning guest approached my nephew to say how much he looked like his father. He grunted in response. I was actually proud of him for his restraint, knowing how much he hates his father. 

The next day was Father's Day. We gathered at my parents' house for a lunch of leftover party food. While the adults were finishing up lunch, the kids went outside to play, including my nephew's son. When the nephew saw his son at the top of the slide he freaked out (much as his father would have done). He yelled, "who told my son he could go outside?"

He dragged the boy from the playground equipment, brought him back to the kitchen, and returned to his food. My mother began talking to him about how difficult it was to watch when his father behaved the same way. Truthfully, many members of my family are control freaks. I've seen several of them spazz over such trivial things (and have struggled with similar outbursts of control freakishness myself). The nephew paused, glaring at his food. "I am so sick of coming here and being compared to that man," he said, the anger in his voice eerily similar to that of his father. He turned to his wife, "Get your stuff. We're leaving." He stormed out in a huff, timid wife and child in tow (like his father did many times when his authority was challenged). 

My mother was upset. She couldn't stop going on and on about it. Sister no. 2 tried to explain how much he hated his father. How he wanted to find the man only to make him pay for the Hell he put his family through. How he had serious anger toward the man. And how he couldn't stand even being related to his father. 

His rage is pretty much justified. And I understand how he probably hasn't had enough time to learn how to manage those feelings, much less attain anything close to forgiveness. The poor guy is stuck with a physical appearance that resembles that of his father. He never had significant role models other than his father and so exhibits behaviors like his. He even sounds like his dad when he sings.

 

I know he hates the man so much that he can only respond to comparisons with anger, but many of the similarities are beyond his control. And he hasn't had enough time or doesn't have enough control over his own emotions to prevent those that are. Nobody thinks he's his father made over. But I hope someday he learns to accept those elements of his appearance and personality that other people see as like his dad. And if he can't learn to accept them, maybe he can at least learn to live with them and/or learn to behave differently. Responding to those comparisons with anger certainly seems to only result in behaving more like his dad.