I Haven't Done That Since...

So today was, um, not my niece's birthday but we celebrated it today. She wanted to go skating. Roller skating - you know: in a rink with bizarre carpet on the walls, smelly skates, bad expensive food, and white trash as far as the eye can see. (Yes, speaking as a long-standing bit of white trash myself, I'm going to leave that last sentence as it stands.) There was actually a man there dressed in red Coca-Cola pajama-bottoms. Yes, my children are being raised in a community where people think that is an appropriate thing to wear in public. 

So we went skating. I didn't know such things as roller rinks still existed. No joke, the last time I went roller skating they had Janet Jackson's "What Have You Done for Me Lately" on pretty heavy rotation. Actually the music hadn't changed all that much. Ok, Miley Cyrus, the High School Musical gang, and other bits of Disney detritus were a major feature. But they played a mix of recent popular stuff with some good. I was feeling so nostalgic I actually said to my daughter, "Do you hear that? It's Kool and the Gang! Let's hit the hardwood!"

Roller Skating is difficult. Much more so than I remember. Balance has become a stranger to me over the past 20 years. That and falling is much more painful (and easier to come by) when your center of gravity is a good two or three feet higher than it once was. My feet feel like I've been walking on hot coals while very short people hit my ankles with croquet mallets. The soreness in my arches extends to my hips. And the bruises, sheesh. My coccyx may very well have broken off on one of my unexpected trips to on-my-ass. And once I caught myself with a hand and I think there might be fewer bones left in my wrist  now  as a result. 

But the kids I think managed to suffer more than I. I was lucky enough to fall relatively few times. The girl fell maybe a conservative 500 times. I thought she was seriously hurt a few times. And she has a lovely greenish bruise on her elbow to prove it. But she didn't give up. Which is just a wee bit amazing. I rarely get to see much tenacity in my kids (except when it comes to giving up on things or refusing to try new things). But she stuck to it 'till she had developed confidence and balance. By the end she was talking about going skating for her upcoming birthday. 

The boy, however took a different tack. He fell a handful of times, gave up, and spent the rest of the time scrounging for tokens to feed into the ski-ball machines. I seriously only gave him 50 cents. Yet by the end of the evening he had earned enough tickets for about six worthless prizes. Yes, that's my little entrepreneur, or my little thief - I'm not sure which. 

And just like in the 80s, I found I could skate much better by the end of the night. I finally remembered how to do that crossover thing to turn in the corners. I was embarrassing myself bopping along to the rhythm of the music and only losing my balance every now and then. Visions of Xanadu danced in my head. I was beginning to fancy myself almost as good as the skate-dancing set - but not quite. By the time we made our wobbly-legged way out the front doors, I was actually a little reluctant to leave the smells of stale nachos and foot fungus, the thumping of popular [sic] music, and the denizens poor oral hygiene. 

An Open Apology

Via PageOneQ:

Deb Price of The Detroit News wrote a piece last month about how educators are not only NOT protecting LGBT students from discrimination, but are in fact contributing to the hateful, hurtful environment in which these students find themselves. In her article she focused on a report by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network called "Shared Differences." The report took data from more than 2,000 LGBT students of color:

The survey results paint a grim picture of kids so hardened to anti-gay remarks, shoving or worse that they don't even bother reporting the abusive incidents to a school official or parent.

These students rarely read about LGBT people in textbooks, nor do they learn about gay history or people in class.

What they too often learn firsthand is that school is a place where they can expect to be hurt -- emotionally or physically. The predictable but sad result is that many of these kids skip classes and see their grades drop.

Price's article did indicate that schools with LGBT clubs and organizations, supportive administrators, inclusive textbooks, and anti-harassment policies were taking steps in the right direction. The report can be found at glsen.org.

This piece really hits home for me. 

Once upon a time, (OMG, like 15 years ago now) I was a gay student. It was, to say the least, a miserable experience for me. I can not fathom how much more difficult it is for a GLBT student of color. It's hard enough just being a teenager. Top all the hormones and pressures from parents and peers and society with a couple of unfortunately ugly stigmas and I don't know how some kids survive. All I can say is you must be very brave, and I salute you. 

Then I became a teacher. And you know what? It wasn't any better. I once suggested to another teacher that there was a need for a gay student organization. I was thinking about trying to start a GSA or something. She responded with horror. She told me I didn't want to do that: I'd get run out of town or maybe even shot. I was then only just out of the closet myself. Well, only out to a handful of my friends who I knew were alright. Scary. 

I tried to exude tolerance and acceptance in my classroom, but I had gotten a clear message that it wasn't alright to be gay. I tried to be positive and to encourage my student to expose themselves to different viewpoints. But I was terrified at the same time. I was called a faggot numerous times by students. And I didn't know how to rescue my students who were similarly insulted by their peers. I failed them over and over again.

It was the kind of community where young gays didn't come out while still in high school. Occasionally stories would trickle back to me about former students then in college who had come out of the closet. These stories were usually met with disgust. In fact, one student told me that if he ever saw his former best friend again he would kill him. I tried to dissuade him from this stance, saying that he was still the same guy, he just didn't want to date girls anymore. But I don't know if the message got through all the testosterone. 

A few lesbians were out. But they were constantly harassed by students, teachers, and administrators. One couple I knew were often cited for public displays of affection. Even while heterosexual couples engaged in heavy petting in the hallways, these young women were berated for kissing. I'm not saying I wanted to see all that, but fair is fair. Or at least it should be. My room became a sort of haven for them. I still discouraged them from making out, but I was honest about it. I just don't have any desire to see teenagers playing tongue hockey. 

Probably the most discouraging thing that happened was when a friend and colleague pulled me aside one day. An administrator had given her a message to give to me. I don't know why this administrator didn't approach me directly. Perhaps I would have better understood the intent of her message had she done so. But anyway, my friend pulled me aside one day after school. She said X is really worried about you. X thinks you've been telling too much to some of the other teachers and she's afraid you might get yourself in trouble. I still don't know exactly what she was implying. Did she think I didn't want people to know I was gay? Did she think I might get in legal trouble if a student decided to claim I was being inappropriate? Was it a covert warning that my job was in jeopardy if I came out? Was it a threat to my life? I don't know. But suffice it to say I never felt safe teaching in that environment again. Once I realized the administration wouldn't have my back, I knew I didn't need to be there anymore. 

I did teach again a couple of years later. In another school. In another state, also not known for it's acceptance of gays. This time I was gun shy. I still came out to a select group of friends. But I was very much in the closet in my classroom. I still fought the good fight when I felt I could. When students said, "That's so gay." I responded, "Do you mean that's so happy or that's so homosexual?"

People were a little more tolerant at this school. I had one class with two out and outspoken lesbians. Another class had a bisexual girl. And yet another had a boy who identified as bisexual. I tried to be nonplussed by their disclosures (some kids are "out" for the shock value) and always accepting. But I'm sure insults were abundant. And I know there were enough tough gangster-types to make sure the word faggot saw plenty of action. 

I just hope I was mostly a positive influence in the lives of these kids, especially the LGBTQ ones. To them: If I ever made things more difficult for you, I apologize now from the bottom of my heart. I hope you can forgive me for not stopping them when they called you faggot. I was scared too. And I stopped them as often as I could. When I called you lesbians, I had heard you using the term among yourselves and I understood the term to have positive power for you. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was calling you out. I meant absolutely no insult by it. I'm proud of your for being able to be true to yourselves. When we made up the word queerdo to talk about how some people view goths, I hope you didn't take it as an insult. It was a joke. I absolutely support your right to be who you are and even if I kid you about it, I think you're great and I hope you're doing alright. Queerdo.

Alphabet Stewing

Via Joe My God:

So, L's, G's, B's, T's, and Q's like E's, N's, D's, and A's together. But we don't like D's, A's, D's, and T's together, is that it?

In a recent PageOneQ article House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was quoted as saying that anti-hate crimes legislation and ENDA held priority over the repeal of DADT. Pelosi had a breakfast meeting Tuesday where she met with "progressive bloggers and writers" according to the article. The repeal of the 1993 Don't Ask Don't Tell law has been on LGBT activists' radar lately after Representative Ellen Tauscher introduced a bill to reverse it. In case you've been living under a rock DADT is the bill signed by by Bill Clinton where the military is not allowed to ask you if you're gay and you're not allowed to tell if you're gay. All very separate but equal. 

In my own humble opinion, I tend to agree with what Pelosi seems to have been implying. Laws protecting LGBT people from hate crimes and discrimination should take precedent. Of course I believe an inclusive military would be lovely, but those signing up to join know they're getting into an organization with a long history of intolerance. Yes, I think all that's going to change eventually, but homosexuals in the military ought to know they've got a long uphill battle ahead. And there are huge gaps in civil rights protections out there in everyday America. 

For instance ENDA. As Pelosi was quoted by PageOneQ: 

The priorities have been Hate Crimes and ENDA, fully inclusive legislation in those two areas, so we'll have to have our strategy work around on how we can get those passed, as well as move forward on Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

The struggle to get some employment protections into law has been going on since the 1970s when they tried to tack "sexual orientation" onto the Civil Rights Act. And the Employment Non-Discrimination Act has been batted around since the 1990s. But a couple of things keep getting in the way. 

One problem is that issues like marriage rights (as evidenced by the whole Prop. 8 debacle) and DADT tend to get more media attention. These issues stay in the spotlight because they elicit heavy emotional reactions from both supporters and detractors. 

The other problem is that activist groups can't get along when it comes to supporting ENDA. The biggest issue is transgender inclusion. Because many of ENDA's opponents use the whole pervert-in-the-little-girl's-room argument some have been quick to drop transpeople from the whole thing. What these people don't realize is that such opponents are never going to give in. In fact, when we stop fighting together and start turning against one another the right-wingnuts win. Not only does our legislation not get passed, but now we represent a smaller, divided force. 

As Pelosi indicated now is the time for us to pursue inclusive legislation. Lest we forget, the Stonewall Inn was a popular hangout for a mixture of people, most significantly transwomen. The modern LGBT rights movement was sparked by a bunch of angry "trannys" (a term too many of us throw around without discretion). To drop transgendered people out of our struggle for civil rights will not only weaken the movement as a whole, but will reveal an underlying weakness of character. If we can't stand up for each other, no one is going to stand up for us. 

All You Need is Love?

An interesting tidbit from Reuters:

It seems a 14-year-old girl and a 17-year-old boy recently have been awarded a divorce from the rabbinical courts in Israel. The pair wed as a  joke:

It all began as a lark, in a schoolyard where a 17-year-old boy recently declared the girl his wife, reciting a Jewish ritual vow in front of witnesses, and she accepted his ring.

Is that all it takes, really? The story also implies the wedding was consummated. According to Israeli law, sex with a 14-year-old is legal as long as her partner is not more than three years her senior. 

Isn't that sweet? The divorce, I mean. I was way, way, way too young to get married when I did at 21. I can't imagine trying to hold down a serious adult relationship as a teen. Hell, I can barely manage an adult relationship now at 33. I'm not saying there aren't mature teenagers out there. I'm just saying a lot of grief could be avoided if people allowed themselves to be young for a while. Don't rush into getting hitched-up for life. 

Happy Venereal Disease

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you. I feel obligated to post something related to this abhorrent holiday. So, what should I say about the day that causes me the second most stress (after Christmas)? 

Blagh (apparently existing words can not fully express my feelings). 

If you're single, you're made to feel bad for being single. If you're partnered you're made to feel like you have to do something special or romantic. And this is one day when LGBT people have heterosexuality "thrown in our faces" because all this lovey-dovey pink-and-red-together absurd merchandising is all about heterosexuality. A man can't find a card for his husband. Especially if that man doesn't particularly want to express himself with parmesan crusted cheddar-saccharine ball sentiments. 

And let me just say this: PINK AND RED DO NOT GO TOGETHER - NEVER EVER, EVER. It looks stupid. It looks like suddenly everyone in the world gets to be a myopic septuagenerian woman for a day. 

Oh, and one more thing. If you have to express your romantic sentiments, please do so without the blasphemy of rhyme. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, stop with the terrible rhyme. Jesus feels the nail-holes again every time you put love with dove, above, glove, or shove. And there's a special circle of Hell for you lobotomites who eschew the aforementioned rhymes for some "slant rhyme" bastardization. Just don't. Please. I'm begging you. 

Excuse me, this creepy bitter old misanthrope has to go place a bomb at the corporate headquarters of a major greeting-card manufacturer now. 

School Safety

A choir teacher in Henderson, Nevada was found dead in his home just before Christmas. On Top Magazine reported Friday that two brothers aged 17 and 18 have allegedly confessed to the murder. Or, more accurately, the younger of the two confessed that he and his brother strangled the teacher, Matthew Cox, 32 after he "got sexual" with his student. According to the boy, Cox made advances that made him uncomfortable while he and his brother were visiting Cox's home to hang out and play video games. 

Number one, any teacher would have to be a great fool to invite students into his home. Although Cox's mother seems to think he had the students there to help "straighten them out," it's never a good idea to be alone with a student, not even at school. Unfortunately in our current social environment the accusation of molestation is as damaging as the act itself. But even if Cox was foolish he didn't deserve to die. (What does the Catholic church do to priests suspected of molesting children? Oh yeah, they send them to rural Alaska.) 

Here's some news ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you, homosexuals are not pedophiles. I know all your child-raping, whore-hiring, money-laundering preachers out there use a lot of fancy hate speech and emotional language to encourage you to "protect traditional marriage." But the truth is it's just a lot of empty rhetoric. You know the adage, "If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, baffle them with bullshit?" In this case dexterity is any truth as proven by real evidence and bullshit is the whole "the fags want to take away our right to be Christians" line. Keep feeding that crap to America's youth and you get kids arraigned on charges of "murder, kidnapping, conspiracy, burglary, and auto theft."

Because ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you, those kids killed Cox to rob him of his wii, ipod, and laptop. And they'll get away with it because they cried "fag."

Daily Minute of Hate

The American Family Association wants you to protect the family in America by speaking out against the radical homosexual agenda. It seems we have a plan in place since the 90s to eradicate the civil liberties of Christians in America. Shit, if only I had known. Most significantly we want to install thought police to arrest Christians when they think about spreading the message of Christ's love. 

I can't speak for the rest of LGBT people out there, but frankly I could not possibly give a shit weather or not you spread the message of Christ's love. But I think maybe the message you shouldn't be spreading is Jesus hates all faggots. After all didn't Jesus preach about loving other people? Didn't Jesus hang out with whores, tax collectors, and other sinners? Didn't he say that his commandment of love replaced all those ancient religious laws? I mean really, you claim that we've chosen this "lifestyle," right? And you claim this lifestyle will send us to hell, right? So, obviously we want to go to hell then, don't we? Dear god, we sure as shit don't want to spend eternity with you yammering zealots talking our ears off. 

And we want to destroy the fabric of our society by teaching children that homosexuality marriage is the same as "natural" marriage. I'm not sure how this would work. Would someone out there please tell me exactly HOW WILL GAY MARRIAGE DESTROY OUR SOCIETY? I'm so sick of empty rhetoric and circular logic about this. Give me a real example. How will this happen? Show me how it's ruined Spain. Show me how it's ruined Switzerland. Show me how it's ruined Canada. Show me how children raised in LGBT households grow up somehow worse than those with a mother and father. Show me these poor ruined kids. Show me their track marks, their pimps, their anal bleeding, whatever horrors that have been caused by being exposed to homosexuals. 

I've always said the best kind of fiction leaves you with more questions than answers. If that is true, then let me introduce you to the very best kind of fiction. This is AFA's television show about the gay agenda. It's not a minute of hate; it's an hour of hate. But hate it is. And you know what? Hate like that exposed in this video has not one damn thing with being a Christian . It has everything to do with being a bigot. I sincerely hope everybody will go to this site, watch this hateful bit of propaganda, and fill out their survey because these people need to be exposed for the false Christians they are. 

Today in Global Warming

Ok, ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you, I know the term global warming is grossly inaccurate. But isn't it nice to finally have politicians not so blinded by religion and greed that they can't see the deforestation for the trees? Actually, my brother-in-law would still argue against the veracity of global warming. Or at least the use of the term. Or more accurately, the absence of the possibility of absolute proof, or some such Descart-ish silliness. 

How many Americans were affected this week by global warming/climate change/the normal cycle of weather we're just too young as a species to recognize? It's all fun and games until your loved ones go five days without electricity or water. Why do we have to argue about terminology while people we know experience "the worst storm I've ever seen" over and over again?

Who cares. It makes some lovely photographs. Image copyright April Torbush 2009; if you want to use it, email me and I'll ask her. 

Not that I really give a shit but...

A friend pointed out an article in the Daily Mail, actually the front page article, that just rubbed me the wrong way. Normally I'm pleasantly surprised by the stance of Europeans in general about homosexuality, even the British. I actually argue with Americans these days about their claims to live in the freest country in the world. America is seriously behind in civil rights despite their recent leap forward by electing their first African-American president. But I digress...

The aforementioned British (sic) newspaper is essentially implying that the social service system is abusing two young children by placing them with a gay couple instead of their relatives. The headline drips with backhanded sentimentality, "Boy, 5, forced into adoption with gay couple pleads: 'We want to stay with our gran and grandad.'" Anyone who has ever dealt with a 5-year-old knows well their ability to read and parrot the emotions and even sentiments of the adults around them. Of course if his junky mother cries and pleads with him, "you want to stay with your gran and grandad, don't you?" he's going to repeat it. 

But I think my real annoyance comes from the implication that somehow these kids would be better off with a 59-year-old with angina and a 46-year-old with diabetes. Not that their ages or medical histories preclude them from being successful parents. But simply put, they've already managed to raise one heroin addict.

Worse yet, the Mail has to devote several paragraphs to this poor mother's disgust at her children being placed with gay men. Her bigotry is not softened by her claim to have gay friends. If she really believed "children need a mum and a dad, not a dad and another dad" isn't it a bit late? Shouldn't she have been that mum the kids needed instead of shooting up? The social service system is not efficient enough to have ripped her children away from her and tossed them to a couple of faggots the first time she messed up. She had her chance. Now she needs to keep her bigoted opinions to herself and let someone who actually wants to have kids try to take care of hers.

Slow News Day

Today is the 29th day of 2009. Tomorrow marks my 30th day of trying to write every single day. You know what? I look back and think, my goodness I'm worthless at this whole blogging thing. I read a blog today by someone who has some obvious mental problems. It makes me wonder if I sound this bad when I'm having a paranoid day. At lest I'm not trying to sell a (signed and numbered) book about my craziness. Oh, if only I could. That really needs to be my next step: have a coked-out crazy butt-sex session with a soon-to-be famous person (weather in reality or my own little fantasy world) and then schlep the memoir about it online. You'd buy it, wouldn't you ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you? Political posturing mixed with schizoid fantasy sells, doesn't it? People buy Rush Limbaugh's books, don't they?

But I'm growing weary of all these drawn-out sordid tales. Ted Haggard's recent reemerging is ridiculous. Weren't we through with all that years ago? Why drag it out and discuss it again as if seeing this bozo re-crucified on HBO is going to help anybody. Sure, maybe it'll sell a few more books by Haggard's former butt-boy. It'll give a couple more of his former meth-buddies their fifteen minutes. But it won't help those poor queer fifteen-year-olds hiding out in their evangelical parents' houses waiting to be shipped off to ex-gay camp, will it? It doesn't do any good for closeted homosexuals trapped in their heterosexual lives. Why doesn't the media focus on an ex-ex-gay for a minute? 

Come to think of it, is there an ex-ex-gay movement? Surely I can't be (other than a few overexposed celebrity examples) the last normal everyday former closet case? It's worth looking into. 

Antiblog

From the site Americans for Truth About Homosexuality:

Obama Begins Full Court Press on Extremist Homosexual Agenda within Minutes of Taking Oath of Office: Barber

STATEMENT
Contact:  jmattbarber@comcast.net

DATE: January 21, 2009, FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lynchburg, VA – Literally within minutes after President Obama took the oath of office yesterday, the official White House webpage was updated – under the heading of “The Agenda: Civil Rights” – to detail Obama’s wholesale “support for the LGBT (homosexual activist) community.”  His stated plans include the following:

• Defeating all state and federal constitutional efforts to defend the millennia-old definition of natural marriage;
• Repealing the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) signed by Bill Clinton – the only line of defense keeping all 50 states from being forced to recognize so-called “same-sex marriages” from extremely liberal states like Massachusetts and Connecticut;
• Repealing the military’s “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy;
• Passing constitutionally dubious and discriminatory “hate crimes” legislation, granting homosexuals and cross dressers special rights – denied other Americans – based on changeable sexual behaviors;
• Passing the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) which would force business owners (religious and otherwise) to abandon traditional values relative to sexual morality under penalty of law; and,
• Creating intentionally motherless and fatherless homes and sexually confusing untold thousands of children by expanding “gay adoption.”

It's so refreshing to hear the same old hate spew from these people over and over again. The real TRUTH is that these people can't be using the truth because their information is based on skewed facts, emotionally loaded words, and an absolute refusal to use any evidence less than 1,000 years old. Yes, the Bible ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you. The Bible, that massive tract concocted by the Catholic church about 1,000 years AFTER the death of Christ to forward an agenda that included oppressing women, racial minorities, and of course those hated faggots. 

Take the list of crimes Obama is trying to perpetrate as listed above: "The millennia-old definition of natural marriage"? What fool hasn't read his bible enough to know that the biblical definition of marriage included one man and all his wives, not the bigoted concept of one man one woman? Do we really want to go back to polygamy? 

And calling DOMA the "only line of defense" from recognizing same-sex marriages is just silly. Bob Barr who wrote the legislation has already come out with the statement that it failed what it intended to do and is calling to repeal it. Check your facts. 

But I think the most offensive thing is the statement "creating intentionally motherless and fatherless homes and sexually confusing thousands of children." Scientific research (although GLBT inclusive research is still not as common) indicates children develop best in two-parent homes regardless of the parents' gender. But of course we all know a child is better off being carted off to some underfunded orphanage than being given to a couple of queers. 

On a personal note. I'm gay. My heterosexual parents didn't make me gay, nor did I become gay due to some neglect or abuse. I didn't decide to become gay; in fact I fought the realization that I was gay tooth and nail because I grew up in intolerant church, school, and home environments. I married a woman and had children to prove that I wasn't gay (as in the whole ex-gay movement). And you know what? I was still a faggot deep down. And you know what else? My kids have grown up in an environment where I have done my best to try to mitigate the effects of bigots such as those at Americans for Truth About Homosexuality. Neither one of them is gay. But thank God neither one will ever be a hate monger either. 

Rantdom

From Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I dreamt last night of all the boys I’ve ever desired. I say boys because they were young as they were then. And I was young too. 

Going all the way back to kindergarden, a hundred secret crushes. Beginning with Ryan. He was bigger than I was, but not fat like I was. I once leaned too far back while we were all seated on the floor to watch a movie.  The gentle caresses with which he responded to the head he found suddenly in his lap are something I’ve sought all my life. Unabashed kindness that is all too uncommon in this world. I don’t imagine he’s queer. It was just a simple act, human to human in a non-sexualized way, one being comforting another in the cold linoleum universe. 

An endless line of Davids and Jefferys and Erics and Michaels, boys who are now men. Men who are now married with two smiling children the age we were when I knew these boys. I don’t know them now. 

I wouldn’t want to know them now. We grew up with messages, with inalienable truths. That homosexuality is a sin, an abomination. They accepted this truth and dance their days in the light of salvation. I accepted this truth and bend under the screaming shadow of torment. This message was so prevalent, so common that we learned it without knowing it in words. We were told without ever being taught outright that abominations are met with stones and clubs. Kindness is not afforded to them. 

And as we grew older, these Davids and Jefferys and Erics and I, their behavior toward me changed. They sensed within me the very thing they had been taught to hate. They sensed it in me before I knew it in myself. And they hated me. I was object to their cruelties. Simple, mindless, and small cruelties perhaps but cruelties nonetheless. 

At the apex, they stole my belongings, vandalized them, or hung them in public places to mark the shame I had not yet acted out. They subjected me to quiet violence: a jab to the ribs behind the school bus seat, a flick to the ear on a numb cold day. And every day, every single day of my life they littered me with insults. All of those apparent harmless phrases of childhood, that on closer inspection are in reality specifically homophobic: fart-knocker, fudge-packer, queer-bait, gay-tard, and the queen holy mother of boyhood insults, faggot. These were my monikers. These were my emblems long before I ever sucked cock. 

By high school my super secret crushes were always bent toward the most violent abusers. The most flagrant homophobic assholes. Why, I don’t know. Did it give me hope when I heard the rumor that this one liked to, “do it up the butt” with his girlfriend or a secret thrill when I heard that this one got drunk and showed his penis to everyone at parties? Yes. But by then my sexuality was so buried in me, I had plausible deniability. By then it had practically been beaten out of me. Like all these young men who go to ex-gay camps to unlearn their preferences, I was able to suppress it. But my homosexuality is part of who I am, part of who I always was even when I didn’t know it was there. Even when I had hidden it so deeply in myself that I could honestly deny it. It was always there. And yes, I successfully hid it. But the misery, the deep down soul-damaging misery that was self-denial was never worth the loss of respect from a few queer-hating assholes.